Oklahoma City VA Medical Center

By Michelle Sherman, Ph.D

In the VA healthcare system, we have the honor of caring for veterans and their families. Sometimes we form close relationships with these individuals through years of providing care, or through the final weeks or months the veteran spends on an inpatient unit. In essence, the hospital staff often becomes part of the veteran’s “family” in the final part of his/her life. Thus, it is our privilege at the Oklahoma City VA Medical Center to also play a part in honoring these veterans and their families after the veterans’ deaths. Similarly, our staff is saddened at the passing of our VA associates, many of whom have dedicated their entire careers to caring for our American heroes.

The Oklahoma City VA hospital has provided memorial services for recently deceased veterans and VA employees 2 to 3 times per year since 2001. We have hosted 28 services over the years, with over 1,800 family members and friends attending these services.

The services are organized and provided by a multidisciplinary team, chaired by Michelle Sherman, Ph.D, with members from the psychology, chaplaincy, social work, police, voluntary, medical media, and MAS (death notification) services.

Invitation letters (from our Medical Center Director) and resource lists (describing books and websites about grief and support groups available across the state), are mailed to the next-of-kin of each veteran/employee who has recently passed away. Many families tell us that simply receiving this warm expression of sympathy is very meaningful.
Each service is approximately one hour long, and includes numerous special components, including: singing patriotic music, welcoming remarks by our Medical Center Director or Associate Director, honoring each deceased veteran/employee by name and presenting the corresponding family with a United States flag, an inclusive, nondenominational meditation by a chaplain, and a brief reflection about emotional aspects of grief by a psychologist and social worker (see pictures of the “heart” and “help” bag we share to normalize a range of emotional reactions and to discuss coping tools).

Particularly touching elements of the service include our police service’s folding of the American flag and our Honor Table. In the invitation letter, families are encouraged to bring something to place on the table for viewing during and after the service. Most families choose to bring several items, such as photographs (often of the veterans during military service and in later years), dog tags, poems, items from their veteran’s memorial service, etc. Memorial service attendees often stay 30-45 minutes after the service sharing in refreshments, talking with other families, and enjoying the items displayed on the Honor Table.

As Oklahoma is a rural state, many families live several hours from the hospital. In spite of the distance, it’s common for large groups of family members of one veteran (even 10-15 people) to come together to the service; watching these widows, siblings, children, grandchildren, and special friends come together to honor their deceased veteran is inspirational. The feedback from families about the services reflects their appreciation for the VA’s care and gratitude for the opportunity to remember and celebrate their veteran with VA staff and other veteran families.

Dr. Sherman has created a step-by-step “how to” manual for implementing a memorial service. To obtain a copy, please email her at michelle.sherman@va.gov